Conflict Resolution

Pause Before Reacting

When emotions are high, people often say or do things they later regret. If possible, pause and give yourself time to calm down.

"I want to work this out, but I need a few minutes to calm down first. Can we talk again at 3:00?"

• Take several slow breaths, go for a short walk, or write down what you want to discuss.
• Do not use a break to avoid the problem permanently.
• Choose a reasonable time to continue the conversation.

Decide Whether the Conversation Is Safe

Ordinary disagreements can often be discussed directly. Situations involving threats, violence, harassment, abuse, stalking, bullying, or a serious power imbalance require a different response.

• Leave the area if you can do so safely.
• Contact a trusted adult, supervisor, counselor, security officer, or appropriate authority.
• Save threatening messages or other evidence.
• Do not agree to meet privately with someone who may harm you.
• Call 911 if there is immediate danger.

Conflict resolution is not an appropriate substitute for reporting abuse, violence, harassment, or bullying.

Identify the Real Problem

Ask yourself:

• What happened?
• What facts do I know?
• What assumptions am I making?
• What do I need?
• What outcome would be fair and realistic?
• Is there a larger issue behind this disagreement?

For example, an argument about dirty dishes may actually be about one roommate feeling that household responsibilities are unfair. Focus on one problem at a time — bringing up every past disagreement usually makes the conversation harder.

Choose the Right Time and Place

Have the conversation when both people have enough time and privacy. Avoid starting a serious discussion when someone is exhausted, rushing, under the influence of alcohol or drugs, or already extremely upset.

• For a workplace or school conflict, a neutral location may be helpful.

Explain Your Concern Calmly

Describe the specific behavior and its effect without insulting, labeling, or attacking the other person. Use an "I" statement:

"I feel frustrated when plans change without anyone telling me because I arrange my schedule around them. I would like us to notify each other when plans change."

A useful formula: "I feel ___ when ___ because ___. I would like ___." Avoid statements such as "You always ruin everything" or "You never care." These are usually exaggerated and can make the other person defensive.

Listen to Understand

Give the other person a chance to explain without interrupting. Listen for the person's concerns, needs, and feelings — even if you disagree with the person's conclusions.

"It sounds like you felt I ignored your message. Is that what bothered you?"

Understanding someone's perspective does not mean that you must agree with everything the person says. It means you are making an honest effort to understand.

Identify Common Ground

Look for something both people want. Common ground moves the conversation away from blame and toward cooperation.

• Both roommates want a comfortable home.
• Both coworkers want the project completed correctly.
• Both friends want to preserve the friendship.
• Both family members want to feel respected.

Brainstorm Possible Solutions

Allow both people to suggest solutions. Try not to judge each idea immediately. Then consider which option is realistic, fair, safe, and respectful. A workable solution may involve:

• Dividing responsibilities differently.
• Creating a schedule.
• Changing how information is communicated.
• Replacing or repairing something.
• Apologizing and correcting the behavior.
• Agreeing on a boundary.
• Asking a neutral person to help.

Compromise does not always mean splitting everything exactly in half. A good agreement addresses the most important needs of everyone involved.

Make a Clear Agreement

State exactly what each person will do and when it will happen.

"If either of us needs to change our plans, we will send a text as soon as we know."

For an important workplace, housing, financial, or school matter, put the agreement in writing.

Follow Up

Check later to see whether the agreement is working. If it is not, discuss what needs to change. Conflict resolution is sometimes an ongoing process rather than a single conversation.

If repeated attempts fail, consider involving a counselor, teacher, supervisor, human-resources representative, mediator, or another appropriate neutral person.